Sometimes, I’ll think of a billion questions & then think I should ask someone about it. I’ll cycle through people I know & wonder if they’d even understand or want to even hear about it right now.
I start panicking. I start researching. I start reading what other ‘great minds’ have said about the subject. I start thinking about all the writing I have on said subject that I’m so afraid to share anywhere. I start thinking “what’s the point of sharing anything in a world so cruel?” I start thinking “what’s the point of anything?” I start praying.
Then I sit quietly. I let the confused stew inside my head get to the brink of bubbling over or bursting like a volcano. I let it happen. I remain still even if physical manifestations of the inferno inside of my mind start to appear on or within my body.
Then new thoughts come in. A feeling of peace arrives next. Some little voice somewhere inside of me whispers. The answers remind me of the questions that got me to this point.
I’ll suddenly realize that I have answered my own questions. I can breathe again. Somewhere deep inside, I knew it was okay to be myself all along.
I believe this is Spirit. I believe our souls hold the answers to every little thing we want to know. What we can’t find the answer to may not be for us at the time. Maybe we’re not ready. Maybe we have other lessons to learn first. Maybe there is no answer that our human minds can find right now. Maybe one day, we will.
The only one who can answer when I start to question myself, is myself. Creator doesn’t question me. I don’t believe any being that exists is a mistake. I used to. Oh, did I ever. I used to think I didn’t belong here. Now I see that I do or I wouldn’t be here. I don’t know if I’ll ever find “where I fit” here, but maybe I don’t want to fit.
Maybe I want to flow like wind into all kinds of different circles. Maybe I want to try as hard as I possibly can to love all people like Jesus does, without judgment, never minding how people feel, how they act, or what they do or do not believe in. Just loving them for existing. This doesn’t mean I’m going to let people hurt me. I’m getting better at voicing when something hurts me or when I don’t understand what a person says & need clarification. I’m working on how to not let certain things affect me right now. It’s very, very difficult.
I don’t like conflict. I’m not strong enough to “stand up for myself” or whatever it is. I don’t feel the need to “defend myself”. If someone sees me or something I do as “wrong” or “someone they don’t like” then how is it even a concern of mine? Do I want to become whatever this person feels I should be? That was me once. I would mold myself into whatever anyone wanted because I thought that was the only way to make friends.
I don’t want to be like that anymore. I respect that there are billions & billions of ways to live life. I always have. There are billions & billions of people who exist & we’re all different. I am one of those billions & billions. Of course I’m different!
So, I just want to live my life. I have been struggling with this for years now. Keeping parts of myself compartmentalized or hidden away. “Keeping my worlds separate” as not to “offend” anyone. It’s a shock I’ve even said one word about how I feel about anything considering how much anxiety this has caused me.
The world is out there. I live as a hermit these days, inside. In these little boxes where we type online, I can only release little fragments of who I am. I know the glue that holds me together & others’ perspectives of me is not that glue.
I love the life I live. I love all the things I’m into. My entire life has been friends asking me “how can you….if you….” like they don’t know there’s a whole world out there full of so many different perspectives & I can’t help it, I love listening to it all & taking it all in. If I don’t like it, I can politely walk away, turn it off, whatever. I can let that person be & try not to let them affect me negatively.
My whole life I’m sure I’ll be “finding out who I am”. I have always felt “describe yourself” or “who are you?” questions to be bothersome. I’m alive still. I’m still learning all that. I don’t ever want to stop learning all that. I don’t want to “settle in my ways” or whatnot yet. I don’t want to close off my mind or heart to something that comes my way that could be the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I’ve always found the best things in the most unexpected places.
Well, this turned out to be longer than I intended. The point is, I feel good to be alive. I suffer daily. I try to not let on about it too much. Then I realize, there I go again, hiding myself. Then I get all the existentialist thoughts. The spiritual thoughts. We’re all just living & trying, aren’t we? We’re all awake at the same time asking ourselves the same questions over & over again, aren’t we? Or maybe we’re all dreaming at the same time?
Tonight, I’m glad to be feeling better mentally. I’m glad to have once again questioned my own self-worth & to rise feeling that I am indeed meant to be here. That I am doing the best I can with what I know, the same as everyone else.
I love you all. I don’t know how to tell you all enough. I don’t know how to say thank you to everyone enough. I don’t know how to convince myself that I am doing enough. But, I do believe that most would tell me that I am enough & that I am doing enough.
If you read all this, thanks! haha I just opened the box & started typing. There are worst boxes I could have opened, probably.